The excuse: the last little while has been crazy with nonstop work (including rounding and taking 24 hour calls this past weekend and 2 big deadlines last Friday), so not much blogging activity going on. But I am going on vacation on Friday (Mexico!), and will take my laptop (for fun ONLY, work will be ignored).
The previews:
1. TrophyHusband wants your advice on how to tell his mother we are not allowing her to spend time with HB anytime in the near future.
2. My big epiphany. (To make you laugh and roll your eyes in the meantime, in this piece I will mention the movie Avatar. Not exactly in a Groundhog Day or Atlas Shrugged way, but it will show up.)
Monday, March 22, 2010
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Re: TrophyHusband's mom. Oof... tough one. The only thing that comes to mind is my advice to T. regarding his ex-wife: "With normal, relatively placid people, you can try to predict their motivations and reactions and interact accordingly. They're playing the same game as you. The volatile aren't playing the same game. You're tossing around a football. They're sitting in the corner, stabbing a ping pong ball with a fork."
Which is to say... whether you're proactive or wait for her to force the issue... whether you phrase the news bluntly or delicately... there's no way to tell what kind of reaction you'll get. Which is actually kind of freeing - instead of playing an elaborate game of emotional poker, you act in a way that's ethically acceptable to you and then move on.
Before you say anything to her, check your state laws. I believe that some may require you to allow her to see him. If you are required to allow her access, check into whatever ways you can supervise any visitation; perhaps she can have access for only a certain amount of hours, and you can be present.
You may want to consult an attorney; this might be a good time to start documenting specifics as to why she should not be allowed to see HB.
Anne
Anne - nope, not in the U.S., at least not without taking it to the Supreme Court (and hey, there are some VERY forceful grandparents...). Troxel v. Granville set precedent for this in 2000: http://family.findlaw.com/child-custody/custody-more/grandparents-visitation-rights.html
This has NOTHING to do with the post in question; but I thought you might enjoy knowing that following Maggot prompting, not only did I sign up to run a marathon (May 2) but this past weekend I ran (almost, a little walking after 11 miles..) my first half-marathon distance. Thanks for the kicking.
Yay Ewan!
Re 1: I used to think about this with my own mom (she died in 2008, so it's moot now), but I'm not sure my advice will help. I'm a huge fan in being honest and direct with people, as gently as I can. You have to tell her why. She may be hurt or pissed off...deeply so, even. But if she doesn't know why, she can't change whatever behavior is keeping her from being a suitable grandparent.
She may not change it. She may hold a grudge for the rest of her life. But if you're honest with her, there's a chance you can be satisfied that you've done due diligence and she's made her choice. And I'll be honest--my relationship with each of my parents got much better after I called them on some shit.
You know, eventually.
I'm making some assumptions, here. I reserve the right to alter my advice on the basis of details to be revealed later.
P.S. I can now run the whole 30 minutes at a 3.5+ pace, and I'm working on slowly increasing that. Many thanks, from the bottom of my...well, from my ass. Thighs, too.
I just want to hear the backstory on why TH wants his mom away from HB. -victoria
Oh hard one. But TH has tell his mother that her behavior around HB is not acceptable. Yes it will be hard but to protect HB it has to be done. HB comes first, he's just a little guy who can't yet distinguish the horrible things MIL is inflicting on him. Tell her if she changes her ways in a few years when HB is not so vulnerable you can let her spend unsupervised time with him. Until then, forget it. Yes talk about her so HB gets to know about her verbally (in a good way) but don't let that adorable little boy of yours be scared like TH.
i cut my parents off 3 years ago. just sent an email asking them not to contact me or my family in any way until further notice. they took a while to get that i was serious, but we have finally been left in peace. well, as much peace as you can have when things aren't what you wish they were, but there's nothing you can do about it. they're not changing, and unless they did, it's impossible to have a relationship with them. good luck with that, doc! ♥
Hello Doctor Mama,
I have really been enjoying reading you for three months and I was wondering if you would be interested to write a post on the blog "For Women in science Agora" because we want to hilight scientist women.
I will be glad if we could talk by email about your experience as a physician. You can contact me : tamara.jullien[@]ogilvy.com
Tamara
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