I’ve told people when I see them in person, but it has been too painful to make an effort to reach out, so I feel I should put an update here. Short
story: over the last couple months of fourth grade, my son became more and more
anxious and upset about school despite there being no bullying or any trouble
with his friends nor any difficulty getting his work done – in fact, he was
ahead of the game most of the time. He also became furious at us over anything
at all. We tried to listen/diagnose/encourage/help but the situation devolved
until he finally refused to go to school at all and confessed that he was
living in a gray world, things would never be better, and he felt that it would
be best to commit suicide. He had a reasonable plan as to how to achieve this.
Enter psychologist, psychiatrist, low dose of an SSRI,
removal from school, working from home as much as possible & family leave
for my husband so that my son would never be alone. Hospitalization was
considered but not ultimately deemed necessary.
Also enter guilt (about my role in his nature and his
nurture), fear, grief, and constant worry every moment of every day and night.
My job is very hard at the moment and there is literally
nothing that can be done about that short of quitting (which I’ve contemplated
but that would create so many other problems), so I’m just doing a crap job on
everything. I have told my bosses and they’ve been great, but there is only so
much they can do. Oh and my assistant went out on extended sick leave.
My son refuses to talk with the therapists. He will go under
protest but sits there angrily. (My husband and I are also going without him
to develop strategies.) Things have gotten somewhat better. He says he is no
longer suicidal (though we are of course not leaving him alone). He has continued
to do his music throughout and with enthusiasm. He is voicing some of his feelings
instead of just being angry all the time. But he started his day camp, which he
usually loves, this week. The first couple days went well, but it has gone
downhill and today he refused to go.
I am not shocked that he would have trouble – this child has
always been so intense and dark that I feared he would have to face some of
these things eventually – but he only just turned ten. I figured we had a little
while left before the demons he was born with started to torture him in this
way.
This is the hardest thing I’ve ever faced and I’m afraid it
will only get worse from here.
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