Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Query Awards

From today’s Keyword Analysis, brought to you by the Commission for Lazy Blogging:

Easiest query to answer:

5 things mates needed for a good marriage

1. A good husband
2. A good husband
3. A good husband

4. A good husband
A good husband

Most masochistic query:

i just started running i am so sore is it ok to keep running

Answer: Heh heh heh. Yes. (But SLOWLY.)

Most rhetorical query:

toddler sleep problems

Answer: Ha ha ha.

Query displaying the most hopeless optimism:

typical routine three month baby

Answer: HA HA HA.

Query that most stumped me on initial viewing:

and one thing i chose to admit, is that your momma momma momma should let me babysit

Answer: A dumb Morningwood song. The correct wording is “and one thing I chose to admit, is that your momma momma momma SHOULDN’T let me babysit.”

Most jittery query:

running away from ritalin dr. knowitall

Answer: Are you SURE you don't need that Ritalin?

Slackingest query:

good doctors excuses

Answer: Go with back pain! They like totally can’t prove you don’t have it!

Best query:

killing maggots on goats

Answer: You have MAGGOTS on your GOATS?

Worst query:

maggots in bra

Answer: AAAGH! (On further research, there is apparently an internet “joke” going around with a disgusting photoshopped picture. Don’t go looking. It’s FAKE. What is the matter with people?)


Orange said...

Better maggots on your goat than botfly larvae in the sockets where you had teeth extracted. I've read such a case report, I have. Word to the wise: If you live in a South American rain forest miles from the closest dentist or doctor and you get some teeth pulled, don't manage the pain with sugarcane liquor to the point where you pass out on the ground, because that's when the maggots crawl in, and there you are, miles from the nearest dentist or doctor.

Now I'm itching to check my own search queries and do a lazy post myself. It's always inordinately entertaining (to me, if not to anyone else).

Orange said...

Dude...I got two hits from people searching for thong anus information. (I hope they have been deterred from wearing a thong.)

(Speaking of which, I picked up a copy of Glamour, and there was an interview with Nora Ephron, talking about various commendable and interesting things...and then she said she was glad not to be a "Glamour Don't" with panty lines because she wears uncomfortable thong bikini underwear. Totally negated all the positive things she said, to be middle-aged and willing to floss her ass just to avoid panty lines. Has she learned nothing in life?) said...

Orange: I wonder if that's the actual term for that condition, i.e. "Why are you walking so funny?!" "Aw, the old T.A.'s acting up again, man!"

The search query "hot big titted white mamas" routinely pops up in connection with my site. While it's flattering, I suppose... damn, they're going to be VERY disappointed. said...

Also: I HATE BOTFLIES! Not too fond of maggots, either. Those and melanoma are a few of the reasons I've been spending 95% of my time indoors.

DoctorMama said...

orange — my husband has this fascination with botflies. Don't anyone google for those pictures before lunch.

You know, I like Glamour — Nora Ephron aside, they sneak in some pretty feminist shit amongst the eyeshadow tips. And their medical info is usually good. — you're staying inside because of botflies? You can relax, there aren't any near where you live.

(and come on — what part of that search query doesn't apply to you?) said...

DocM: shhh, "fear of botflies" is a better reason for staying inside than "would prefer to lie on couch with wet rag over eyes, sipping diet Coke and muttering"!

Hee... while I'm flattered, my attractiveness, mammary-endowment and Caucasianinity rarely come up on the site. The "mama" factor (and ensuing poop stories) is FAR more prevalent.

Orange said...

It does seem that Glamour has improved. I used to love it, and then they ditched their old editor, brought in someone younger, and went all stupid—health information became "Below-the-belt news you can use," and the writing was crappy. Just taking a -worthy onto the end of a word doesn't make you hip. "Those jeans are definitely wear-worthy! That is one watch-worthy movie! That sure is a flush-worthy pile of crap!" Aside from Nora Ephron's thong and wacky fashion spreads, though, it seems to be decent again.