Sunday, March 23, 2008

Full(er) Disclosure

Re: my backside. Yes, I have an awesome ass, and yes, sometimes this knowledge sustains me in times of trouble. Thank you for the nice feedback; it did cheer me up. I wish I could promise that you too will get one from running, but mine is a genetic gift; I perhaps will maintain it longer by running, but I had it before ever I stuffed my feet into clompy Nikes.

But I also have a great stomach, which is something running can foster:



BUT. As anyone can plainly see, I lack a rack. In that picture up there? I’m wearing a padded bikini top. This state of affairs is more than fine with me – I love not needing a bra – but it does lower my overall hotness quotient. When I’m out running in warm weather, I don’t get hoots and hollers until after I’ve gone past someone and they’ve gotten a look at my hinder.

(You’d never know that belly once housed a fetus, would you? I was an absolute freak when I was pregnant, keeping a death watch out for stretch marks—mainly because my mother has truly horrifying ones. When I went into labor and realized I’d escaped without getting any, I kept babbling to everyone involved in the admission process that night, “I didn’t get stretch marks!” They all smiled politely while secretly adding me to the list of Most Self-Centered Laboring Women Ever.)*

Re: BadCat. Not to worry, he’s been the recipient of all that modern veterinary medicine has to offer, and then some. I would love to have him on antidepressants, but even the vet has acknowledged that he cannot be pilled. Even if one is so foolish as to pay $64 for specially compounded liver-flavor liquid medicine to squirt down his throat, he forces himself to vomit it back up. I did not know that there was such a thing as a bulimic cat, did you? He is unmoved by Feliway. Our lovely vet has agreed to supply us an injectable anti-inflammatory medicine. It is not approved for more than one-time use, but injections are the only way to go, and when he’s feeling stiff and arthritic, he’s worse than usual. We have our house arranged something like a ship, fully swabbable.

He’s actually a very loving, curious cat who has never injured anyone who was not trying to pill him. I got him from the shelter when he was seven years old and near-unadoptable due to his slow-to-warm personality and his obesity—he was so fat he had to lie down to eat. (We trimmed him down by seven pounds.) He’s behaving himself this week … and HellBoy has finally learned that if he throws a tantrum, BadCat may pee on something beloved, e.g. HB’s fireman costume, his spelling computer, his guitar case … not a bad tantrum deterrent.

Re: HB. It finally occurred to me in a rare moment of clarity that the thing I need to work on with him is his anger. He is who he is, every strange inch of him, and I love him, but the ability to control his anger is something he must develop in order to become a successful person and a positive force in the universe. I know he can do it—I’ve watched him turn his mood around on a dime—so rather than stress about his personality, I’ve been focusing on pointing out and then not tolerating the ugly outbursts. For instance, “I know you’re mad at me for not letting you take a shower with me, but if you stand here in the bathroom yelling and screaming instead of going to your room to do it, we’re not going to Target.” And so far, IT’S WORKING, PEOPLE!

Re: the snake. Yes, it is a reticulated python, and no, I didn’t pull it from the ocean. The story is much less interesting than that: the poor creature was being pimped by the beach photographers who take pictures of drunk tourists with monkeys, toucans, and snakes and charge mucho dollares for the resulting prints. My stepdad snuck this shot in with his own camera, but I did the honorable thing and ponied up the money anyway. The python seemed pretty happy; he had a huge rat-shaped lump in his midsection.

Re: the bicycles. No, it’s not a phase—more like an old flame. TrophyHusband was on a cycling team in college, but turned to running in medical school as it’s much less of a time and money suck. Then I came along. But over the past couple years he’s been plagued with a strange toe injury (in my opinion brought on by running too fast when he wasn’t running with me), and couldn’t run, so his thoughts started to stray to his old love. He was already using a bike for commuting (and for taking HB to daycare), but then he started going on some group rides, then he bought a better bike, then a real racing bike, then he joined a team, and before I could say “Tour de this, buddy,” I started getting emails like this one:
From: TrophyHusband
Date: Wed, Sep 5, 2007 at 3:22 PM
Subject:
quick-ish ride tonight ...

... with my guy friends....80-90 minutes, meeting 6:15 if I can (hopefully) make it (so shorter than usual thurs ride).
And I was like, when did 90 minutes become “quick”? Who are these “guy friends”? Where’s my TrophyHusband? Waaaah.

I’m happy for him, really I am. And I know I have no real right to complain. But damn, he loves those bikes. Sometimes I feel like this woman.

Re: the job. Oy vey. The less said the better right now.

One sort-of nice thing coming up next weekend: I get to go stay in a hotel room for TWO nights all by myself. (I have to give a presentation that I’ve not yet prepared, but I’ll figure that out somehow.)

*Note: NOTHING prevents stretch marks. There is NO magic cream or potion. Strangely, they seem to occur more in women who have their first pregnancy at a younger age – I guess infertility can pay off in unexpected ways. (That photo was at 30 weeks; it got even weirder looking from there.)

27 comments:

Snickollet said...

I happened to be reading this entry while stuffing my face with chocolate cake and drinking a latte.

I really need to lay off the cake and start running again.

Mignon said...

I was that woman - gloating and showing off my non-stretch-marked belly. And then when the baby(ies) popped out, there they were. Hundreds of tiny angry red lines below my navel and on my hips, previously hidden by the enormity of my stomach. I'm glad you escaped them though. I don't begrudge any woman her good, non-stretch-mark fortune, just as I hope others are happy for me and my nice biceps. Let's celebrate what we got, not criticize others for what we not.

Erin said...

I didn't even come close to escaping them, but fortunately my husband seems to have "stretch-mark blindness" and continually tries to get me to wear a bikini. And it's not like there are just one or two little tiny ones--there must be 50 of the things, each 1-2 inches long. They're hardly invisible--but damned if it doesn't make me feel good that he looks baffled every time I say that a bikini is not in my future.

Laura in L.A. said...

LOVE to see your posts, DM! Thanks for the updates on all the topics near and dear to our hearts! :):):)

judy said...

My belly looks similar after birthing four babes, not a stretch mark in sight.
My breasts on the other hand yikes! I wear a 34D and nursed for a long time. sagging and stretch marks galore.

MJ said...

Wow. I might just have to take up running (instead of walking & spinning). Either that or stop eating my children's Easter chocolates and drinking wine.

I, too, thought I'd escaped the scourge of stretch marks. Then, I birthed over 13 lbs. of twins and realized they'd been hiding (the marks not the twins). How I thought I could gain 65 lbs. and not have stretch marks I'll never know. Luckily, the kids are worth it (most days).

Rebekka said...

I knew about bulemic cats - my cat is bulemic. She binges, then she purges.

Anonymous said...

Ha Ha Ha! Don't wonder where your son gets it from! It's hereditary! Actually, as you probably know, learned behaviour: Learn from dad..........

Glad to know the cat is not sick. We pill our cats first by wrapping them up in a towel: a Purrito. Only their heads are sticking out. They kind of remind me of Egyptian mummies..... Then I put their meds in a 'meatball' of catfood. They wonder why I bother with the wrap and roll business when all I'm doing is giving them a bit of catfood........duh..:)

Karen said...

Oh dear lord that was hilarious. So glad you are feeling better after your sad post. Hey at least your cat is not a dog that can wreck neighborly relations on a regular basis and make sure there's trouble with new ones!

Sheri said...

RE: TH
Be thankful it's a bike thing only. When he starts reading triathlon mags - start to worry. Thanks for making us smile.

debangel said...

Don't you wish they made "melt-a-way"-type medicine for cats like they make for little kids? I used to pill my cat by skittering the pill across the floor. He was a Maine Coon and would eat anything anyway, and making it look like prey made it irresistible.

I silently thank you every morning I get dressed after running! My butt hasn't looked like this in years, if ever! And I have an ab now! Not a six-pack of course (I had a potbelly when I was an anorexic ninth-grader), but I am hoping that the ab invites her friends to the party ;) I don't think my abdomen is ever going to look like yours, though! Wow!

Hey, I know. I'm lugging around a 34FF (Enell, I love you!). Trade ya a coupla cup sizes for an ab or four ;)

Thanks for encouraging this maggot!

Dara said...

Yeah...I'll trade you my double D's for your itty-bitties.

I used to be a full A until the pregnancies and the nursing times 3.

As for stretch marks, I didn't get any with my first baby, but they were waiting for me with the second and third. Kinda made the belly ring look geriatric, so I retired it.

gatita_rosa said...

No stretch marks for me either and my mom and two sisters had big purple ones! Yeah!

Anonymous said...

Wow! Just introduced to ur site by a friend and suprised at the similarities: Also burn-out MD, mom of 9yr old (he was 14 mo at beginning of med school, 9 is much better age), runner/triathlete (sometimes) and while my ass doesn't look half as good despite being twice the size (too much of my favorite things), the abs and boobs are thankfully still okay, thinking jewelry design as post-MD career and wine/coffee shop too... It was great to read through your blog and realize that it's not just me...and you make it sound amusing! Oh, and hubby got a Computrainer for Xmas... Oh, AND we've been through the whole "we have money but aren't going to raise you with a silver spoon in your pouty little mouth" topic x 100. Good Luck!

onward and upward! said...

Well, shit. There goes my excuse for not running again. It did give me a tiny hard ass, but yeah, it did give me a fantastic stomach. Thanks a lot for pointing that out with a visual. Stop it with the bikini shots, OK? You are giving me summer anxiety!

Jul said...

Oddly, childbearing did NO lasting damage to my body (well, other than the tangential damage caused by said fetus popping out, developing into a preschooler and beginning to kick me for fun). Gaining and losing 50+ lbs. repeatedly, however, F'd my skin UP. Faint silvery stretch marks EVERY. WHERE. Naked, I probably appear to be part fish. But at least now I'm a relatively svelte fish.

Sarah said...

Have you tried pill pockets? They are the only thing that allows us to give our fiesty girl kitty her beta blockers.

Eve said...

I had always heard the stretch marks were hereditary - my mom had them and I got them. Of course, I was already overweight when I was pregnant. Lucky you though! And it makes me glad I got on the treadmill at the gym and went running - still don't think I will do the bikini, but I can imagine a one piece or tankini for this summer!

Mary Beth said...

Your stomach is fabulous!!! I'm totally jealous. Okay, here's my little rant. I've had 4 babies, no stretch marks whatsoever, but after babies #3 and 4 I have a big diastasis--separation of the rectus muscles. It makes me so mad! Seriously, I'm not overweight but my belly pooches out like I'm a few months pregnant.

Okay, I've started running, via your encouragement from the original maggots post. I'm so excited! Taking it slow, can't run the whole route yet. My route involves a big hill. Is that dumb of me? Should I stick with the flats? Thanks for the inspiration, Dr. Mama! I love your blog.

Anonymous said...

This little maggot went running today and didn't get a side stitch. Thanks for motivating.

E. said...

Nice ass. Nice abs. I like the fact that you can own up to your hot parts without having to exhibit false modesty. My genetics have blessed me with a flat belly, but I wish I had a little more in my trunk, I must admit.

And I have to admit I'm happy to have no stretch marks after two babies. I was ready for them, esp. since I'm a light-skinned Irish lass, but I was psyched when I ended up with none. (I too am an older mom, so maybe that's it...)

Anonymous said...

I really like it that you are honest enough to state that you do, in fact, have a great ass and great abs. It's true, so why not own it? I think most women feel compelled to display this false modesty, to deny their strengths: it's as though we fear the universe will punish us for our pride. You will find nary a woman on the internet will candidly state that she has a great bod.

Lisa said...

Great post. Why not admit it if you look great?
I just had baby #6 and I wear a size four. And no stretch marks. I was lucky. Although, I do tend to hear "skinny bitch" from my friends.

Anonymous said...

It seems that blogging can turn a healthcare professional into a fool.

I have come back and come back and come back.......and still I have the same opinion: there are limits Dr.

Possibly American doctors are less conservative than Canadian doctors. Advertising and marketing includes photography of your own flesh? I never considered before that female American doctors would consider advertising their bits of skin on a blog on the internet. If this is what it takes to promote your practice, pay your student loans, or just earn you more money, then I suppoe you should go for it. I find it somewhat bizarre. I think possibly removing this blog from my 'favourites' list is in order at this time. Thanks for the 'mammaries' and other assorted anatomical bits that you find worthy of blogging about. ..... What ever happened to professional standards?

Dr. G. Kadar DDS
Toronto, Canada

Anonymous said...

Yeah..pretty vapid mindset, really.

Lisa said...

Man, what is up with the angry dentist? The fact that he didn't pick up on the lack of ads is proof that he is an idiot....

Trolls suck.

Magpie said...

"The python seemed pretty happy; he had a huge rat-shaped lump in his midsection." = you made me snort coffee.