Thursday, June 08, 2006

The Diaper Dyslexic

Some time ago a friend of mine discovered my blog, and said that she hoped I wouldn't feel like I had to censor myself if I ever wanted to complain about her. Now, she happens to be wonderful—kind, generous, brilliant, gorgeous—and I not only would trust her with my life, I did trust her, with mine and HellBoy's, since she was the one who dragged his ornery person into the world. So I said, "Don't be ridiculous! Why would I ever want to complain about you?"

Well, I'm afraid it's happened. Sweetie, although I do appreciate you putting up with HB's antics last night, and giving him a bath, and reading him bedtime stories, blah, blah, blah ....

The diaper tabs, they go in the front.

If you put a diaper on backwards, cosleepers will find themselves in a rapidly spreading puddle at 4 am. And if you wake HB up to change his pajamas and the bedsheets at 4 am, he is not ready to go back to sleep. He is ready to par-tay.

I'm thinking we need a handy rhyme to help you memorize diaper orientation, so that when you are faced with your own (eventual) new one's bare butt, you'll be ready. You know, something along the lines of righty-tighty, lefty-loosey.

How about:
You put the tabs in back? You must be smoking crack.
(You know we love you, and that I'm only teasing, right? Have a great time surfing. We'll miss you. Send postcards.)

17 comments:

bihari said...

Oh God. I am going to chant that every time I change a diaper from now on. Will you marry me?

Also yes, bolo ties. You take a farm boy from Iowa and put him in South Dakota, and terrible, terrible sartorial things result. Well, for men in general, west of the Mississippi is not a good place to be, clothes-wise.

Mignon said...

Wait, she's a doctor? (or you're a doctor, if you're reading this...) and she went throught the whole confusing and complicated process of putting a diaper on backwards? That boggles the mind a little.

We co-sleep, and the diaper doesn't have to be put on backwards for a baby to make that annoying puddle. And he doesn't have to be woken up by changing bedding for him to mistake 4 am as the time to rip out mommy's hair and repeatedly kick and slap her boobies to the tune of Mony Mony. Rock the pony.

Dr. Wannabe said...

Could this be a sign that we should stop cosleeping? I'm not against or for it. Just feel like putting it out there.

DoctorMama said...

dr. w -- that's the royal "we," I assume? I'm not for or against it either. I just do it.

Louise Hubbard said...

"Tabs in front, you silly &^%&"

Oh evil, evil, evil, bad, bad, guttermouth, BAD!

Why would I delurk with a comment like this? Now you all think I'm a filthy crack-whore.

Ok going back to my crack-den...

thumbscre.ws said...

Oh, I love these memorization rhymes! So much that I MUST mutter "righty-tighty", etc. every single time I screw/unscrew anything. Rhyme is sung, screw undone! Rhyme is skipped, screw is stripped! Bwa ha ha ha! I slay myself.

Favorite remberhyme EVER? A hard-drinking coworker once sagely advised Mr. Thumbscrews, "Hard before beer, you're in the clear. Beer before hard, puke in the yard."

B.E.C.K. said...

My mom, who used disposable diapers with at least one, if not two, of four kids, tended to put my son's diapers on backward. Go figure.

Now, I do have to say, I doubt I'd be able to fasten a cloth diaper effectively...

Anonymous said...

You know, your friend may be onto something. If I was designing diapers for a boy I'd put the padded bit at the front and the tabs at the back...my son was always fond of twiddling with his tackle - especially so if it was covered in poo. Slugs and snails and puppy dog tails certainly applied (and still does) to him.

Looking on the bright side, you had a king size water bed last night...

Fiona

cluelesscarolinagirl said...

She's a good friend,
Though she allowed bodily fluids to escape from the end.

Erin said...

We had a puddle incident the other night, and the diaper was on correctly. P woke up bright and early, came in to our bedroom, and crawled on top of my sleeping body with dripping pajamas to say "Mama, I all wet." No calling from his room, no standing by my side of the bed and poking me, but crawling on me.

And why me? Can't they be trained to call on Daddy anytime they need something? Just wondering.

I loved your rhymes.

CaerLiveSound said...

When "tying in" to a venue's power while I was doing live sound, so as not to electricute myself silly, I whispered:

Green is good- (Ground)
White, it might- (Neutral)
Black, it's bad- (Hot)
and Red, means dead. (Hot)

And equally valuble:
Keep one hand
behind your back,
or your heart
will get burnt black.
("Put your hand back in your POCKET, you asshole!" I kept telling myself.)
I'd hate to hear an electrician mumbling that if he was working in MY house.
Jul, you're a genius.

Kungfukitten said...

I wonder if backwards diapers would matter as much on female babies? I worked at a daycare for five years and we figured if the father's put the diapers on with one leg through each leg hole that was a good day. ;)

bihari said...

More handy doggerel verse, via Ogden Nash

How To Start A Cocktail Party:

Candy
is dandy,
but liquor
is quicker.

Emily said...

I used to be a nanny and while I never put a diaper on backwards... I did, somehow, manage to put one on inside out. Don't ask. It absolutely boggles my mind.

Jen said...

Thank you for once again having me spout my beverage out my nose onto my screen!

E. said...

The only person who can decide it's time to stop co-sleeping is the youngest party in the mix. My three-and-a-half-year-old has his own bed and sleeps in it every night, for an hour or two or three, then he clambers into our bed. Basically we're still cosleeping.

And I don't mind cosleeping, even now. But pee can be an issue. My boy has been toilet trained for almost five months. Only three accidents in that time, which is impressive, but one of the three was in my bed, which was distressive (as Ogden Nash might have it).

Anonymous said...

Having worked at a baby toddler dayhome for 7 years, gave me all the practice changing diapers that I ever needed. When I was first learning to change diapers with the efficiency of some of the other caregivers who had raised children of their own, I was more than happy if the diaper, (cloth) diaper was fastened at each side with a safety pin, without poking the baby, and both legs were sticking out from each corresponding elastic leg hole of the rubber pants.