Thursday, June 15, 2006

Build a Better Mousetrap and Your Daughter Will Become a Slut

Good news: the FDA has approved an HPV vaccine. This means there now exists a vaccine that prevents cancer (not to mention abnormal Paps and the followup treatments that have the potential to impair a woman's fertility). What a great invention! What a marvelous advance! What a wonderful opportunity to improve the condition of women in the world!

Except, wait. Apparently some people believe that this isn't a good thing at all. Because, don't you realize, the threat of death by cervical cancer is one of the things that keeps good girls from, you know, doing it. HPV shouldn't be vanquished; it's a wonderful, natural chastity belt!

This got me thinking about other useful inventions in an entirely different light. Because once you start to really think about it, many other seemingly helpful and benign things might also have the potential to make sluts out of innocent girls. For instance, here are a few products that I have been singing the praises of that on second thought could lead a maiden down the primrose path:
  • Softpaws. Now, these are a terrific invention. They keep people from having the tips of their cats' fingers guillotined, they help save furniture, and they look adorable. But if you examine it carefully, this product may not be so innocent. Think about it: what kind of pets do unmarried women tend to keep? That's right, cats. And soft-hearted young women are less likely to sign their kitties up for declawing. But this means that they have to keep a close eye on Mrs. Fluffy or risk ruining the nice afghan they've crocheted for the hope chest. But once they've slapped on a set of Softpaws, they can go gallivanting off into the night worry-free ... and soon they're fallen women.
  • Champion Double-Dry Seamless sports bras. Once I discovered these, I wanted to pitch all my old running bras. These don't chafe, don't pinch, keep you cool, and most important, eliminate The Bounce. What more could a girl want? Well. I don't think I need to tell you that anything that makes it more comfortable to run around in public half-naked is a one-way ticket to losing your precious flower.
  • Puffs Plus (or other lotion-impregnated tissues). How did anyone survive before these were dreamed up? Two blows with regular tissue, no matter how soft, and I already have the beginnings of two scaly red stripes running from my nose to my upper lip. Besides being uncomfortable, this is unacceptably geeky, and I have enough geeky tendencies to want to avoid any more. In addition, using these for wiping my son’s nose means that he has no bad associations with the project and I don’t have to chase him across the room. You may dislike the oily residue left by this product; you may have accidentally used these to attempt to clean your glasses and been left with temporarily smeared vision; but these are small objections to what would seem to be a benign and helpful product. But Puffs Plus are actually risky to the chastity of young girls everywhere, becauseonce you start thinking about things that are dry becoming lubricated, well ...
  • Odor Xit. On account of BadCat, I looked long and hard for a product like this, and almost despaired of finding something that actually worked. I don't know what's in it, and I sure don't let HellBoy take swigs from the jug, but I love, love, love it. But how could this stuff turn good girls bad? Well, remember that single girl with cats? Even once she's got the Softpaws on Snowball and Sooty, there's another line of defense keeping her virtue intact, and that is her anxiety over the fact that her modest efficiency apartment with the cute bubble shades and doilies has an unfortunate and distinct odor of cat. Odor Xit, by eliminating the evidence of elimination, means that this nice girl will feel less inhibited about bringing men up to her place. And we all know what those filthy men want.
  • Dermablend. This stuff is designed to cover up scars and tattoos and other Angelina-type inconvenient marks, but it rocks as a blemish cover-up. I've never come across something that covers pimples so effectively and lasts so long. Dab this on in the morning, and you're worry-free the rest of the day. You might think that this is no more dangerous to a young girl's virtue than any old makeup (which certainly can be problematic in itself), but you'd be wrong. Here's what happens: thirteen, fourteen and fifteen year old girls who try to conceal their pimples in an attempt to pass as being much older are often betrayed by the premature failure of their coverup product, and are thereby saved from deflowering by guys who really believed they were over eighteen, man! With Dermablend, the deception will not be revealed until it's tragically too late.
  • Marsona white noise machine. My life was immensely improved by one of these devices. No more kicking poor TrophyHusband all night, no being woken up by the skateboarders heading down the street for their midnight extreme boarding. Perhaps sleeping peacefully in one's own bed seems unlikely to result in a girl's downfall. True, if you're talking about the girl. But what if it's her mother who uses it (as is most likely, after all)? This is clearly a recipe for disaster. Because if a girl knows her parents can't hear her climbing out her bedroom window, what's to stop her from doing so? Next thing you know, she's servicing all the boys on the block while her parents slumber on unawares.
  • Braun Silk-Epil Epilator. I adore this thing. I expect that women of a hairier phenotype find it less dreamy than I do, but I've always been a total clod when it comes to shaving; I cannot avoid cutting myself. This baby yanks the hair right out by the roots, like waxing but without the mess. Sure, it's not entirely painless, but it's a lot better than those early prototypes, the sadistic Epilady contraptions. You might think you know where I'm going with this—that a girl who feels sleek and hairless will also feel sexy. Perhaps true (and certainly suggested by the picture), but the real problem with using this product lies in the fact that is is painful (especially when used in the bikini area. You could go full Brazilian if you really had the guts, but I don't recommend it). And once girls get used to facing up to the pain of depilation, the next step is losing their virginity. Because if fear of cervical cancer is keeping women from having sex, fear of the pain of popping your cherry must be a pretty potent deterrent too.
What wonderful underrated inventions have you adopted? And do they encourage bad behavior?

29 comments:

Kungfukitten said...

So basically what I'm hearing is that single girls with cats are sluts. As a single girl with two cats I'd just like to say, uh, well, er, you might be right.

thumbscre.ws said...

Diet Pepsi: serves to propogate the idea that one can engage in a pleasurable activity sans consequence. If our young ladies are going to wantonly consort with seven inches of cold, hard aluminum, their frivolty should at LEAST earn them an ass the size of Butte, Montana.

SEPTA "Anywhere" TransPass: leave it to the secular humanist-led regional rail cabal to issue a monthly fare card which not only identifies the purchaser by gender (forcing the pass-holder to display her oh-so ravishable XX status in Avery-label neon orange each and every time she commutes), but also fails to limit her destinations! Oh, yes... it's not "Anywhere (That a Group of Sweet, Elderly French-Canadian Nuns Also Happens to Be Visiting", but the truly sinister ANYwhere.

The "Jimi" wallet: this sleek little plastic contraption fits smoothly into the front pocket of even the most form-fitting pair of trousers, thereby allowing young, single women to venture forth into the world fully funded, WITHOUT the added fail-safe of either dowdy, voluminous pants or a Vera Bradley handbag large enough to contain a litter of puppies.

Diane said...

I too have loved Dermablend for years, but have discovered a new, better product!

Cover FX! www.coverfx.com

Lighter, easier to apply and blend, and extremely effective in covering virtually any spot or blemish (or scar etc.)

And of course, has the same ability as Dermablend to get us naughty girls in trouble!

Alexa said...

Don't forget Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors--sure, they keep me "sane" and "happy," but without them I would be safely ensconced in a mental institution, too anxious to go on dates (read "sin outings") or jeopardize my maidenhead in any way.

Denise said...

Epilady! I used to love mine, but it hurt like the dickens and had an unfortunate tendency to force ingrown hairs, which would grow for inches before I was able to pull them out. Ick.

SEPTA! You guys are really bringing back the memories. Yep, with a SEPTA pass and all of Southeast PA to sin in, what couldn't a girl do?

Artemis said...

Can't forget wonderful lotions like Aveeno "positively smooth" shave-reducing lotion. For us feral types, ANYTHING that will make us silkier and smoother is good, and let's also think of the many other ways that lotion can be used...

(Glad to hear I'm not the only one with long nasty in-growns from an epilady)

artemis

bihari said...

Having children. Because once a gal has delivered a baby while fourteen medical students and a unit secretary scrutinize the process from the sharp end, she gets shockingly cavalier about lying around with her lovelies exposed for all to see. And then, of course, nothing but disaster follows.

Melissa said...

My argument response to their arguement: "What's next? No vaccinating folks against Hep B because it might cause encourage IV drug use?"

Anonymous said...

~Burt's bees cuticle cream and
Dr. Burt's Res-Q-ointment
Actually, anything burt's bees i can't live w/o

thumbscre.ws said...

Has epilating technology really improved, or have we all just gotten used to the sensation? I remember horrific pain when attempting to Epilady my Lady Area, but have recently begun waxing said region with minimal discomfort. Maybe it just took time for my flesh to get acclimated and begin "taking it like a man", as it were?

Erin said...

Today's young women are in jeopardy! Wow, I never realized that my sister (a young, unmarried woman who shares custody of two cats with Softpaws with her roommate) must be a slut. I'll have to call her out on this one. Preferably in front of the family to get her back for the time I was trying on wedding dresses and she said "It's nice but really, Erin, white? Let's be honest. Is there something in a nice red?"

Teendoc said...

It's really cool to see discussion in blogs I read of Gardasil. I'm a medical director working in Medical Affairs on this product (after leaving a 12 year career in clinical medicine) and am thrilled with the potential of what this vaccine will do for women's (and men's, when that gets approved) health.

Truth is that most of the conservative organizations that we have done outreach to, support the vaccine as important to prevent cervical cancer. I think the media likes to trumpet the few "It'll make you become a slut" voices more than most people actually believe it.

Oh and you have forgotten to mention that cars allow women to visit men for booty calls and thus will cause us all to be sluts! :-)

Anonymous said...

I got me some of that HPV cancer causing shit and what a whore I am. Seems over 50% (probably way more but that stats are conservative) of the population are raging sluts. No talk of the men who are carriers, nope they arent whorey, slut bastards because they either dont know and if they do (my ex) they dont tell their future partner (my ex). Just us chicks who actually suffer the consequesnces. Yuppers, just call me "hoe".

Anonymous said...

Same here, and what a bitch it is to see this vaccine coming out NOW. A couple years late, motherfuckers. At least I'm in good company, me and half the country.

Marsha said...

Wait a sec, I think we've forgotten the most dangerous thing of all...something in which our young women seem to engage in alarming numbers.

Education - we keep learnin' the girls and things like this are bound to happen. If we only kept them home on the farm sewing quilts and baking bread there'd be none of this zeal for courting that books seem to encourage.

Carrie said...

I'm having a colposcopy at 9am tomorrow morning. I'm 22 freakin' years old and this is my cervix's third time getting up close and personal with a colposcope. It's only low grade SIL - for now. What moron would think cervical cancer is a good deterrent for young girls against having sex? I didn't even KNOW that HPV caused cervical cancer until after I had my first irregular pap. Some people... But I think you're on to something with the white noise machines.

Barbara said...

And what about the "good girl" who has only had sex with her husband, gets HPV, severe cervical dysplasia, a LEEP procedure and finally winds up with a hysterectomy? That was me. I'm probably lucky that's the only STD I got from him. Just give us the HPV vaccine already.

CaerLiveSound said...

Marsha- that's what they keep trying to do in places like Texas, ban sex ed from the schools because information encourages sinful behavior! Reminds me of when the Church did everything in Latin so if the priest told someone they had to suck it because it said so in the Bible, it had to be done! Who would know the difference?

My cousins in Ohio say that out there on the farm, there's nothing much to do except engage in sinful behavior. Or watch the cows come home.

Marsha said...

sarlivesound - yes, yes. And not just sex ed, either. Let's do away with the lot...math, science, history. No need for such things when there are babies and husbands to be looked after (and pies to make).

Anonymous said...

Just confused...what difference does it make that Epilady was invented in Israel? Was that random trivia, or did I miss a joke?

DoctorMama said...

Completely random trivia. I just remember staring at the side of the thing as I gritted my teeth trying to get through the process and reading "MADE IN ISRAEL."

Mignon said...

The strangest thing that ever resulted in me gettin some? The song Kung-Fu Fighting. I was on a blind date and my date and I started Kung-Fu fighting. After a couple fake blows he walloped me in the nose. We went back to his place, which was closer to stem the tide, soon after which he stemmed my tide... SO! NO CARL DOUGLAS!

Gabriella said...

Coincidentally, I was reading about tonsillar cancer recently. It seems that HPV is present in biopsy samples. Statistically, the majority of patients with cancer of the tonsils also use tobacco and drink alcohol. However, the presence of HPV is alarming because of the present prevalence of the attitude among young people that 'oral sex' not 'sex' (thanks Bill). the fact that surgical removal of the tonsils is no longer routinely practiced also means that chronically enlarged, pitted and otherwise easily infected tonsils are present in a larger percentage of the population. I wonder about the incidence of tonsillar cancer in the future among the present generation of teens who are participating in activities such as group oral sex parties.

E. said...

This post is so hilarious it almost made me forget how fucking angry I was when I clicked on the Nation article about the Xian right's worries about the HPV vaccine.

I would say one terribly dangerous invention is shoes for women. I mean, if we can't go out in the world, we can't fall from grace. Let's go back to the days when any woman seen walking alone in public was assumed to be a whore.

Feral Mom said...

Did you know that alcohol causes excessive drinking, especially in women who drink it excessively? Son of a bitch!
BTW, my word verification may have to become my new nickname: fozno.

Anonymous said...

E., Good point, but arent I a whore because I wear high heels. They are the "devils" shoes...hehehe.

PS - I dont mean to me anon, just lazy.

C.

Maman said...

Isn't that why Republicans always talk about the good old days... technology and innovation lead to the destruction of the world as they like... Ahhh the good old days when women and minorities were chattel and the vote was only given to property owners...

CaerLiveSound said...

Don't have a source for this, but believe it may have come from the Hitchhiker's Guide:

What people grow up with is the natural way of things.
What happens as people become adults is called progress.
And everything that happens after a person's prime is an abomination against the natural way of things.

I'm sure many of our elderly lawmakers are HORRIFIED that women are having pre-marital sex and they're grasping at straws. Yeah, maman, the "good old days" indeed.

Anonymous said...

your an idiot an so is the hmm let me guess better than you christian that made the hpv vaccine is bad comment. Jesus.