Wednesday, October 12, 2005

The Talk

TrophyHusband and I had The Talk the other night. The Talk about whether we want another child, and if so, where to get one.

We agree that yes, another child is theoretically something we both want. So far so good.

The problem is where to get this child. Options include:
  1. Go back to the ART clinic and see if another few go-rounds with IVF yield anything.
    Pros: Might get another bio kid, resulting in a matched set; no arduous adoption process.
    Cons: Much less likely to work now than last time given my age; the time, energy, and cost; pregnancy; birth; the cold sweat and palpitations I get remembering the needles, the probes, the walking around throbbing with rage at anything and everything when my estradiol level goes above 1000.

  2. Donor eggs.
    Pros: TrophyHusband's mensch-y genes; no arduous adoption process; get a baby from birth.
    Cons: End up with a hard-to-explain half-matched set of kids; cost; pregnancy; birth.

  3. Adoption.
    Pros: Could choose the sex; no pregnancy; no birth.
    Cons: The whole arduous process; cost; not having the baby from birth; and, where to adopt from? The open-adoption circuit is out -- I watched my sister go through that and I know I couldn't take the uncertainty. So that leaves non-white babies. TH's stepfather is African-American, which makes this question even more delicate in our family. I'm not sure I'd be able to watch one of my children be discriminated against. But would we seem racist if we chose to adopt internationally?
Ever since the topic came up I haven't slept; I just lie awake watching these questions dart around my head like crazed weasels.

5 comments:

Orange said...

I hear you. Using my uterus is out of the question, but if we were to adopt, we'd really want to buy a bigger place. Which would mean spending a lot more money on housing, and having less disposable income. Plus the amount of patience I have is limited; maybe one kid is all I can stand. We're open to the idea of adopting an older kid from the foster care system; we've already got a couple major ethnic groups represented in the household, so what's one more? But it's semi-likely that we'll stick with just the one kid.

B.E.C.K. said...

Would you consider a surrogate? No, I'm not volunteering, but a friend of my sister is doing it this way and seems to be very happy with the arrangement. The surrogate was even at the shower! Yowza. :-)

DoctorMama said...

Ooh, someone else to do the hard work while I get to have a margarita! But I would feel pretty guilty since my uterus works fairly well. It's just my eggs that are tough.

A kid from foster care seems like such the right thing to do, especially after the essential selfishness of IVF. I wonder if I could get there in my head?

Nancy said...

Well, make sure you let us know how it all turns out, because we are in the same situation. I am 40 and we are expecting our first child in February. I’d love The Alien to have a sibling, but going through this again does not seem like my cup of tea. I was worried enough that I was going to get a baby with two heads and 15 eyes, and being another year or two older just makes me worry that much more. Oy. Anyway, I await your wisdom on the subject.

afrindiemum said...

re: adoption - not as pricey as you'd think. and there's the $10,000 adoption tax credit. it all is a wash in the end.

and the arduous process - so not arduous. it's actually really easy - and fun... i think :) if you can handle ART and med school, adoption is cake.

and about transracial adoption (domestic biracial or AA) - have faith - i think you'd do just lovely. but if you don't think you could go that route - international is not always more expensive. china is about the same cost. slightly more with travel.

good luck whatever your choice!