tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15583952.post9113104594064535459..comments2023-12-11T08:19:00.272-05:00Comments on DoctorMama: More PleaseDoctorMamahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05187502628715846144noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15583952.post-534991019155696632011-02-21T15:40:08.746-05:002011-02-21T15:40:08.746-05:00I agree with Green above- lots of fun farms withou...I agree with Green above- lots of fun farms without toxic grandparents to enjoy. Is it the farm or Grandma that he wants to have fun with? If he wants to see Grandma, then I'd make the offer to meet somewhere the next time she's in town. Otherwise, look for fun farm adventures elsewhere...<br /><br />I was also really struck by Anon Lawyers poignant story above about his parents not sqpeggyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06388969865731954154noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15583952.post-47559189053521850702011-02-18T12:32:21.717-05:002011-02-18T12:32:21.717-05:00DoctorMama,
I've got a question not related t...DoctorMama,<br /><br />I've got a question not related to this post. Oh, I completely identify with your post, I had a Christmas with In-Laws hell, and I'm just as puzzled as to how to move forward in the aftermath. So I am soaking up all the advice here and I've got nothing to offer, except my sympathy.<br /><br />Do you have any insight into the benefits of running for peri- or Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15583952.post-18473008537047178092011-02-16T13:39:41.668-05:002011-02-16T13:39:41.668-05:00The real question is what kind of relationship do ...The real question is what kind of relationship do you want HB to have with his grandmother? If you want to build something there, you need it to be on your terms. Maybe you claim to be going to the half-way point between your houses (even though it's out of your way) and you meet for a meal at a neutral location. If you don't want HB & Nana's relationship to develop further, wait Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12246093037149990137noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15583952.post-82860187845174337192011-02-09T17:42:13.210-05:002011-02-09T17:42:13.210-05:00I don't think this is really about HB at all, ...I don't think this is really about HB at all, I think it's about Nana wanting to manipulate TH, and now that he's got a kid, she can pull the sad grandma act to make him feel guilty. <br /><br />My kids had two thoroughly toxic grandfathers and one sarcastic grandmother, with whom we strictly limited contact and supervised visits carefully. Those were our parents, we knew the damageAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15583952.post-127533010170397722011-02-09T13:17:36.439-05:002011-02-09T13:17:36.439-05:00I always feel for Nana. It's not like she wak...I always feel for Nana. It's not like she wakes up in the morning PLANNING to alienate people; she's living with a disorder that probably wouldn't respond to treatment even if she sought it.<br /><br />And I didn't really think she escalated things out of control: she identified a real problem, which is that you're uncomfortable with her having much intimacy with HB. She Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15583952.post-62301619521150299462011-02-09T10:11:09.465-05:002011-02-09T10:11:09.465-05:00Wabi's story reminds me of the time when I was...Wabi's story reminds me of the time when I was 4 or 5 and my Greatgrandmother (who was 70ish and already both senile and the kind of mean/nasty that comes up for some people with senility) and I were alone at Christmas, she looked at me in the frilly dress and necklace with locket that my Mom forced me to wear, and hissed "I only like little girls who wear bracelets."<br /><br />I Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15583952.post-17591862118914272412011-02-08T11:13:11.548-05:002011-02-08T11:13:11.548-05:00I was once engaged to be married and then broke it...I was once engaged to be married and then broke it off for very, very good reasons. My grandmother said that if I didn't go through with it (the marriage) she would disown me. Imagine that. Off course this didn't change my mind about the engagement, but it did change my mind about my grandmother. I think that in some ways this is what you are trying to avoid with HB and Nana - that Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15583952.post-63329070994123712452011-02-08T06:38:37.088-05:002011-02-08T06:38:37.088-05:00This may not be tremendously helpful, but I had a ...This may not be tremendously helpful, but I had a bad grandma too, and due to financial constrains, we had to be babysat by her several summer vacations. <br /><br />Well, we pretty much hated it, but it didn't leave any lasting damage, and we knew exactly who was the problem and could laugh about it, including even with my parents, them explaining that family is family, and that they were saranoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15583952.post-91003699263206155152011-02-08T01:09:01.154-05:002011-02-08T01:09:01.154-05:00I don't think it's your job to figure out ...I don't think it's your job to figure out how to give Nana what she wants. If she wants to spend time with HB, she should be the one suggesting options to you. Seriously, if she really loves that boy and is distressed that she can't see him, she'll figure out that she CAN see him and make it work. It's not your responsibility to make sure that she figures that out. You and maryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16707782759515075876noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15583952.post-34274197915087114912011-02-07T22:44:17.681-05:002011-02-07T22:44:17.681-05:00I like Shandra's suggestion: TH reminds her wh...I like Shandra's suggestion: TH reminds her what he <i>actually</i> said (which apparently he's already done, resending the email, but this seems like a person who could benefit from repeated simple messages), then tells her you'd be happy to have lunch or go to the children's museum or whatever next time they're in the area. You need to stay firm on the no one-on-one, and I&#E.https://www.blogger.com/profile/10023959769203103393noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15583952.post-58117957260674385952011-02-07T18:33:36.528-05:002011-02-07T18:33:36.528-05:00I think your son is wicked smart. Like not just th...I think your son is wicked smart. Like not just the average smart, but extra. <br /><br />Ya know, there are tons of farms with fun shit - take the kid to a couple of those. Then he'll realize all the fun farm shit doesn't ONLY have to happen at the grandparent's farm.Greenhttp://www.ramblingsofagreenyogurt.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15583952.post-8579373993758347952011-02-07T14:37:36.783-05:002011-02-07T14:37:36.783-05:00Reading this I just remembered the time my grandmo...Reading this I just remembered the time my grandmother told me I was ugly. I was ... 8? Like your MIL, my grandmother was demanding and self centered. But this was the first time my parents discovered nastiness directed toward grandkids.<br /><br />My parents reacted pretty similarly to you and TH. I still saw grandma occasionally but never alone after that.(The "ugly" comment came Wabihttp://wabi-sabilife.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15583952.post-3228680219482553212011-02-07T12:51:20.233-05:002011-02-07T12:51:20.233-05:00Have you mentioned to your very bright HB that you...Have you mentioned to your very bright HB that you don't like the way that Nana treats him sometimes and you're trying to protect him from that? Because that's what parents do? <br /><br />I ask because of his comment about doing everything that Nana wants exactly the way she wants it. It's almost a universal rule of child development that a child this age tends to see a Annapolitannoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15583952.post-19913612713719450672011-02-07T11:43:16.687-05:002011-02-07T11:43:16.687-05:00He found a phone and called TH's cell? I love...He found a phone and called TH's cell? I love that kid.<br /><br />No suggestions. My crazy relatives more or less were pushed off from the rest of us when they got too harmful, and I didn't miss them (they don't "do" warm, loving relationships). Hell can be other people though it should not be all the time.<br /><br />Anon LawyerAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15583952.post-9435447062755830062011-02-07T11:29:22.604-05:002011-02-07T11:29:22.604-05:00I'm in the fortunate position that my children...I'm in the fortunate position that my childrens' relationships with their grandparents are a fabulous boon to their lives (both grandparents and children). The sets of GPs are different, and the relationships are different, but both are acceptable and neither is toxic (though one GP has a moderately fought relationship with another daughter-in-law, probably for both valid and invalid zbhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13205346985598789513noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15583952.post-33189262206248705472011-02-07T11:28:21.854-05:002011-02-07T11:28:21.854-05:00wait, i missed something.
1.HB wants to go to the ...wait, i missed something.<br />1.HB wants to go to the farm, not visit with Grandma. <br />2.Grandma tried to intimidate you into inviting her. <br />So how could the answer be to invite her to your house? Isn't that rewarding her bad behavior for a visit all three of you are uninterested in?<br />lizaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15583952.post-64346120829911106622011-02-07T11:14:30.789-05:002011-02-07T11:14:30.789-05:00She's escalating to test your boundaries. I th...She's escalating to test your boundaries. I think you handled it really well. This is where you basically, IMO, just have to settle into the pattern where you hold your boundary. <br /><br />But you can offer suggestions if you want to help too. "Just to be clear mom, we said no one-on-one visits. But it would be fine to get together sometime when you're in town for business." Shandranoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15583952.post-71318820654062072572011-02-07T10:44:20.958-05:002011-02-07T10:44:20.958-05:00I didn't even realize we were SILs. Before DS...I didn't even realize we were SILs. Before DS was born Granny brought a 7 year old grandson into her lap and hissed "I've never liked you" to him. Which only confirmed everything he had ever suspected.<br /><br />DS is still small enough that we never leave him in the room with Granny (although Pops is fine and OH MY what friction that causes). We are never going to. Still, Annon SILnoreply@blogger.com