How to Fix a Nosebleed

1. First, you must be committed to the project. If you are not committed, just stop reading now and resign yourself to wandering around with wads of toilet paper trailing from your nose for the rest of the winter.
2. An important thing to know is what causes nosebleeds. The vast majority of the time they are due to a combination of dry air, vigorous noseblowing, and most especially picking. Yes, you know you do it when no one's looking. Just admit it and let's move on.
3. Another important thing to know is that what you are looking to do is create a blood clot in your nose and leave it there. More on this in a moment.
4. OK then. When you feel that familiar warm trickle, the first thing to remember is, pinch. (Also that hydrogen peroxide will remove bloodstains from fine clothing.) Pinch the squishy part of your nose up as close to the firm part as you can. How hard to pinch? Hard.
5. Next, lean slightly forward. This is so that the blood will pool at the dam you've created by pinching. If you lean back, it won't clot, it will just drain down the back of your throat and make you feel like hurling.
6. This step is critical: Maintain the position for at least 10 minutes. Watch the clock. Do not cheat. It is boring, yes, but it's better than the excitement of mopping up more blood. (A trick: two tongue depressors taped together at one end make an effective nose-pincher, freeing up your hands and providing welcome amusement to onlookers who are annoyed about the blood everywhere.)
7. After your time is up, you can stop squeezing and see if the bleeding has stopped. But DO NOT BLOW YOUR NOSE. This is torture — all you'll want to do is blow your nose — but you must resist. No noseblowing for the rest of the day. (And no more picking for the rest of the winter.)
   
8. If the bleeding hasn't quite stopped, repeat steps 4-7 above.
9. If the bleeding still hasn't stopped, move to plan B: nasal decongestant spray. Yes, we usually say they're worse than crack, but in this situation they are quite useful. They constrict blood vessels, and you can see how that could help. At this point you are allowed to GENTLY blow your nose ONCE to clear the way, then use one squirt of nasal decongestant spray. Then repeat steps 4-7.
10. Still no luck? Repeat step 9.
11. 99% of nosebleeds will be done way before this. If not, you can go to the ER and get nasal packing, which is basically a tampon shoved up your nose.
12. You don't have leukemia.